


selfish enough to burn

by wayslide



Category: Naruto
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Self-Hatred, Time Travel, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, recursive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26317843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayslide/pseuds/wayslide
Summary: Gai takes it as agreement and mentally begins composing a speech about the true and unfaltering nature of their Eternal Rivalry. He struggles to lay out the wordsthis doesn't have to mean anything or change anythingin a way that means he doesn't say it at all but Kakashi will hear it anyway, until he passes out again with his nose pressed against the back of Kakashi's neck.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 58
Kudos: 131





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Everything's fine, nothing's on fire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15812805) by Anonymous. 



> It seems like I have a compulsion to write fics about my favorite characters confronting their younger/older selves based on someone else's time travel drabble. This is literally the second time. I have a problem.
> 
> This probably doesn't make sense unless you read [Everything's fine, nothing's on fire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15812805).
> 
> EDIT: I feel now compelled to also add that the Self-Hatred tag should be taken very seriously. Frankly, even I became alarmed by how viciously Kakashi's internalized self-hate was externalized as I was writing this. If you read on regardless of this warning, I strongly recommend preparing your self-care rituals.

Kakashi cannot stand to look at the older man. Gai, on the other hand, cannot seem to stop. It is unfortunate that this only seems to upset Kakashi further, making him even more cold and standoffish than usual.

The older Kakashi from the future — Gai cannot understand why Kakashi does not seem to appreciate _how cool_ this is, or how cool _Kakashi from the future_ is — does not appear the slightest bit concerned or offended by his younger counterpart's ambivalence towards him. In fact, he appears to be delighted by it and casually provokes it at every opportunity. It is as if he finds a strange satisfaction in the way Kakashi bristles and tries even harder to pretend he doesn't exist, even though this mission to hunt down Konoha's erstwhile Uchiha wouldn't even exist without him.

It is strange to witness Kakashi having a physical target for all his self-hatred and self-flagellation. Occasionally, despite himself, Gai finds himself imagining what it would be like to meet his own older self. It gives him zero insight into why Kakashi resents his older self so much, because he's pretty sure meeting his older self would be amazing.

 _Gai-san, you're incredible!_ he imagines himself saying, adding the honorific because if Kakashi-san is Kakashi-san, then logically his older self should be afforded the same respect, even though it's kind of weird to imagine saying.

 _Gai!_ he hopes Gai-san would say, _You're the incredible one!_ And then they would embrace, overcome by the brilliance of the mutual springtime of their youth!

Truthfully, Gai had unconsciously attached the honorific to Kakashi-san's name the first time, surprising even himself when he'd used it. Kakashi-san's eye had widened and his posture had tensed very slightly the way his Rival's does when he's surprised, but it grew on Gai quickly and Kakashi-san seemed to get used to it in the same manner. He'd even chuckled at it once, the sound of which had startled Gai so much that he'd nearly slipped off the branch he'd been about to land on. Kakashi has not expressed an opinion on it yet, which Gai has decided to take as tacit approval.

It is a convenient way to differentiate between the two of them, but also it just feels right, somehow. Kakashi-san is Kakashi in all the ways that matter, but he is also somehow _more._ More mature, more confident, more settled in his body. Quicker to laughter, kind in the way that Gai has always known Kakashi could be; Gai wants to present Kakashi-san to all of his friends who have doubted him when he's said this and say, _I told you so! My Rival is a gentle and generous soul!_ Gai cannot stop marveling at all the ways Kakashi-san has learned to be soft where his Rival is still sharp edges of hurt and defensive cruelty.

Well, Gai thinks as he watches Kakashi-san needle teenager Kakashi, at least the cruelty is directed only towards himself, for better or for worse.

"Gai," Kakashi says sharply, pivoting suddenly in the air, his eye a stormy and cutting glance at Gai before it flickers away. "Be ready."

"Maa," Kakashi-san says mildly, his even tone a patronizing counterpoint to Kakashi's. "I'm sure he is."

Kakashi's eyebrows draw together in outrage, but all he does is disappear into the trees. Gai, who is indeed ready, is not left off-kilter by the whole exchange, but thinks he might have been if his mind hadn't already shifted to mission-alert.

Kakashi-san inclines his head towards Gai, his eye curving gently with the implication of a smile. "Shall we?"

Gai does not get flustered at the idea of Kakashi — any Kakashi — doing something so sweet as _smiling_ at him, but it is a near thing. He nods, jumps to hide himself among the trees as well, and waits for Itachi to show himself.

Itachi is easy. Mostly it just requires a fight with someone whose name Gai forgets several times and a long explanation.

Obito is not easy. Obito fights Kakashi with intent to kill, vengeance and madness burning in his eyes. Kakashi does not handle it well and nearly dies.

Gai does not let him.

Later, bleary and exhausted from opening six gates, he hopes that is not the only reason Kakashi-san steps in and makes sure they all make it back to Konoha alive.

Obito is unconscious and tied up. Kakashi-san has placed a complicated seal on him that is beyond Gai's understanding. The pinched look on Kakashi's face might indicate that it's beyond his as well, but Gai pretends not to see it. Itachi and Kakashi are carrying Obito on a stretcher back to Konoha. Kakashi-san has assured them all that Obito will not wake before they arrive. Gai does not doubt this, but he is a little preoccupied with other things.

Kakashi-san is carrying Gai in his arms like he is a princess in distress rather than an elite ninja because Gai has already passed out twice. Gai is blushing and Kakashi is glaring.

They would have been back in Konoha hours ago if not for Gai.

Kakashi says something cutting about dead weight, which Gai would bristle and defend himself against, except a shudder rumbles through Kakashi-san's body and distracts him. It prompts Gai to look at Kakashi-san's face. His expression is terrifying.

Before he's fully conscious of it, Gai is out of Kakashi-san's arms and standing shakily between him and Kakashi.

Kakashi-san looks shocked, then sad. His eye curves. Gai knows, somehow, that his smile is fake this time. He braces himself.

But Kakashi-san doesn't attack them. Not physically. Instead, the killing intent seeps out of his body language and he slouches, sliding one hand into his pocket and pulling Icha Icha out to peruse. Gai is shocked again by Kakashi-san! Porn! In public! He thinks that nothing Kakashi-san could pull now would be quite as surprising as that.

He is immediately proved wrong when Kakashi-san indicates towards Kakashi and casually delivers two of the most shocking sentences Gai has ever heard in his life.

Kakashi ends up carrying Gai back to Konoha on his back. Kakashi-san and Itachi eye each other warily, but cooperate to carry Obito.

"Rival," Gai says carefully and very quietly, knowing that Kakashi will be able to hear him. Hopefully Kakashi-san will not. "Perhaps we should discuss this, later."

Kakashi grunts in response. Gai takes it as agreement and mentally begins composing a speech about the true and unfaltering nature of their Eternal Rivalry. He struggles to lay out the words _this doesn't have to mean anything or change anything_ in a way that means he doesn't say it at all but Kakashi will hear it anyway, until he passes out again with his nose pressed against the back of Kakashi's neck.

By the time he wakes up again in the hospital, gets the medics to reluctantly release him from the hospital, reports to the Hokage, and then finds himself on Kakashi's doorstep, his speech is a magnificent creature certain to convince Kakashi of his genuine and ardent purity of spirit, as well as his complete lack of interest in anything other than what Kakashi has already given their rivalry!

However, it is completely wasted when Kakashi-san opens the door and Kakashi is nowhere in sight.

"Uh," Gai says, because this particular speech is not one-size-fits-all and he had not prepared another for this specific scenario.

Kakashi-san stares at him for a moment, his eye very dark and heavy with something that Gai feels drag down his body as Kakashi-san looks him over. Gai shivers involuntarily and blushes, to his own surprise and dismay. He tries to remember his genuine and ardent purity of spirit, but cannot seem to find the same conviction he had before. Kakashi-san smiles slightly, and then steps aside so that Gai can join him inside Kakashi's apartment if he so chooses. An invitation.

Gai has never been allowed inside of Kakashi's apartment before. He suspects that Kakashi, if he were here, would object very strongly to this, whatever it is.

Despite that, Gai hesitates only a moment before he enters.

He has questions that only this man can answer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter count did a big jump, but I'm like 99.9999% sure that's the final count.

Gai is a heavy burning warmth on his back. Kakashi nearly regrets deciding to carry him, but the trip back to Konoha is blissfully quiet now that Gai has passed out. Before, it had been a constant stream of babbling: _Kakashi- **san** , you're so strong! I bet your Gai is even stronger than you, though! Is the dango shop still running in the future? I bet it is because it's so delicious! Do you eat dango? Kakashi doesn't ever want to eat dango with us—_

Kakashi's jaw is still sore from how hard he was clenching it. It wasn't just because of how Gai was running his mouth or the irritating cheer and grating awe in his voice whenever he said Kakashi- _san_ , a punchy emphasis on the honorific like he has to remind himself and everyone else that he isn't talking to the _real_ Kakashi.

It was the way Hatake — Kakashi refuses to call him _Kakashi-san_ , even in his head — had casually scooped Gai up in his arms and carried Gai in his arms like Gai was something precious to be treasured and protected. The way Hatake tilted his head so he always had an ear turned towards Gai's voice, even as most of his focus was trained on moving forwards and scanning for possible enemies. The way his eye squinted a little like he was suppressing a smile, like he _liked_ listening to Gai ramble.

Joke's on him, because Gai had only been rambling because he was nervous and feeling awkward. Kakashi is disgusted with how far he seems to have fallen in the future to not even realize that.

Kakashi also isn't pleased about having to haul Gai's heavy ass back home to Konoha himself, but Hatake's little bombshell doesn't change the fact that there is no way Kakashi will ever let a comrade stay vulnerable to someone less than a hundred percent trustworthy, even a comrade as persistently annoying as Gai. Gai had immediately jumped to Kakashi's defense when the first of Hatake's killing intent roiled out, even though Kakashi had been insulting him. This is the least that Kakashi can do for him in return.

Plus, he is a little smug that Gai has relaxed back into unconsciousness while in Kakashi's hold. Obviously Gai isn't as stupid as he likes to pretend to be, because he still knows to trust Kakashi more than he trusts Hatake.

Gai is his. That has nothing to do with love. Hatake doesn't know anything about anything.

The Hokage meets them at the gates, the wrinkles on his face more prominent and drooping than ever before. "Thank you," he says to all of them, but his eyes linger on Hatake, who just shrugs and fiddles with his gloves, a study in nonchalance.

T&I take a still-unconscious Obito into their custody and the Sandaime orders Kakashi to take Gai to the hospital before he gives his report. Kakashi does not watch Obito get carted away. He has been mostly successful in pretending Obito is not the twisted echo of an old teammate Kakashi has built most of his fledging ideals and sense of self on — an old teammate who Kakashi thought was dead, and is not; who Kakashi thought wanted him to be alive and strong, and very passionately does not.

The aberration where he froze in place and thought, just for a moment, _Maybe I should just let him—_ right before Gai ripped open six gates to save him is just an outlier and cannot be counted.

Kakashi leaves Hatake and Itachi behind reluctantly, not wanting either of them out of his line of sight, and also very reluctant to face the tender (ruthless) mercies of the medics. They are never happy with him and the feeling is mutual. He probably won't be able to escape them this time, either; he admits very reluctantly to himself that carrying Gai here has taken nearly all that he had left.

Hatake smirks at him as he turns away, like he knows. Kakashi finds himself gritting his teeth again, the flare of resentment nearly unbearable.

The only redeemable aspect of the experience is that the spite gives Kakashi enough fuel to get the both of them to the hospital without passing out even a little.

"A week of bed rest," the medic prescribes after healing the worst of Kakashi's injuries and diagnosing him with (shocker!) chakra exhaustion. He's one that Kakashi has seen a lot. Kakashi suspects this is because he's one of the last to be willing to treat him. He gives Kakashi the evil eye. "Or else."

He also wordlessly hands Kakashi a mouth guard, which Kakashi tries to be gracious about by not glaring at him.

"Of course," Kakashi says, and sneaks out the window as soon as the medic leaves the room.

When he finally makes it back to his apartment, Hatake is already there. He's drinking beer that Kakashi doesn't remember buying and examining the rotting contents of Kakashi's fridge.

"You should really clean this stuff out," Hatake says idly. He gives no indication that he is going to help with that despite having let himself into Kakashi's apartment without so much as a by-your-leave and, Kakashi suspects, having bought the beer with money from Kakashi's hidden stash.

The mouth guard sitting in his pocket is the only thing that keeps Kakashi from grinding his teeth again.

"This is my apartment," Kakashi bites out. "You have no right—"

"Maa," Hatake says, interrupting him. Kakashi is beginning to hate that sound. "Don't get your panties in a twist." He shrugs. "I didn't have anywhere else better to go. Well, I could go to Gai's apartment, I suppose—"

"No," Kakashi says before he can think better of it. He busies himself with pulling off his shoes so that he doesn't have to look at Hatake smirking at him.

He hears the refrigerator close. When he looks up again, Hatake is reclining in the only chair Kakashi has in his apartment, bottle at his lips and Icha Icha in hand. Kakashi curls his lip and straightens up to cover his shudder of revulsion.

He heads to his bathroom to wash off weeks of mission grime.

"Oh," Hatake says as he passes, "I forgot to tell you. I used up all the hot water."

Kakashi hates him.

Hatake is still in the same place when Kakashi comes out of his shower. Kakashi leaves his dirty uniform scattered across the floor of his hallway and puts on a new one. It occurs to him that he doesn't know where Hatake got a change of clothes from. He decides pretty much right away that he doesn't care.

"You're heading out?" Hatake asks, peering at him over the pages of Icha Icha. He's produced another six-pack of beer from somewhere and is working on the first of this new set of bottles.

"I still have to give my report to the Hokage," Kakashi says flatly. This is true, but Kakashi also wants to ask the Hokage where Obito is being held. He's had some time to process everything while taking his chilly shower and now he wants answers. Answers that only Obito has.

Hatake's eye curves into a fake smile. "So diligent," he practically coos, making Kakashi's hackles rise. "Aren't you supposed to have a visitor later?"

Oh, right. Gai. He'd wanted to talk about—this. About Hatake, about what Hatake'd said, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, but Kakashi already knows there's going to be a speech, a _heartfelt attempt_ to connect through their _earnest emotions_ , and Gai is definitely going to cry at least once.

Kakashi doesn't have the energy for any of that right now, not when there are more pressing matters to attend to.

"Just tell him I'm busy," Kakashi snaps, and yanks his shoes back on. "Or, I don't know. Entertain him until I get back. You can do that much, can't you?" He ends on a note more bitter than he'd intended and he opens his front door with extra aggression to cover it.

"Oh," Hatake says, right before Kakashi slams the door shut. "Yeah, I think I can do that."

Hours later, Kakashi sits slumped over the video feed of Obito in his cell and tries to forget every invective Obito had levied at him, every accusation. He is not very good at it.

 _You killed Rin!_ Kakashi had.

 _Spineless coward!_ Kakashi is.

 _Murderer!_ A thousand times over, at least.

 _Friend-killer!_ This one, at least, Kakashi finds hypocritical, even though the truth of it is still depressing.

Obito had a lot to say. None of it holds the answers Kakashi was looking for.

On the grainy screen, Obito roars and skitters in his madness and rage. Kakashi cannot see the idealistic boy he only wanted to be friends with once it was too late.

A shadow that has been lurking at the door finally comes over and takes a seat next to him.

"Taichou," Itachi says, even though he has been an ANBU captain in his own right and a missing-nin that massacred almost his entire family since the last time he was in Kakashi's squad.

Kakashi barely spares Itachi a glance. He tries to radiate the lack of welcome, but Itachi remains stubbornly oblivious to it.

After some time, Itachi comments in a strange, detached tone, "I believed him when he said he was Madara." It sounds almost like a confession of sorts, but Kakashi isn't here to give anyone else absolution. He says nothing in response.

They sit, watching Obito together for several more long moments until Kakashi finds he cannot stand his quiet, undemanding presence.

"I thought you'd be stalking your precious little brother by now," Kakashi says. He doesn't need to say _since you killed your entire clan just to save his life_ for it to be cruel.

Itachi doesn't seem to notice the pointedness of the remark. "I considered it," he says thoughtfully, as if Kakashi has asked him a question to invite sharing instead of deliberately pushed his buttons to indirectly say _go away_ , "but I did some very terrible things to him, _for_ him, all out of my own selfishness. I will not indulge myself again. He deserves his space to determine his own life."

Kakashi does not care. If he wanted speeches, he would have stayed at his apartment and waited for Gai. Fortunately, unlike Gai, Itachi does not seem to expect a response.

Unfortunately, just like Gai, it does not seem like he's planning to leave Kakashi alone.

"That man," Itachi says finally, with a strange hesitancy. Somehow Kakashi knows that Itachi means Hatake when he says _that man_.

Irritation stirs under the thick layer of despondency that has permeated Kakashi's mood, sparking with disgruntled life. Itachi obviously notices, but seems determined to continue, regardless. Killing his entire clan and going on the run has apparently burned away the delicacy Kakashi had almost liked him for.

Or just most of it, maybe; Itachi seems to catch on to the dangerous intent Kakashi aims his way and proceeds slowly and with care, his words measured. "He is…not what I expected."

Kakashi has the sense that Itachi hasn't quite said what he means to say, but finds that he still doesn't care. He puts his elbow on the table so he can prop his chin up in the palm of his hand. His neck cracks. Obito curls up in the corner of his cell and begins to sob. Sullenness settles back in, extinguishing the rising embers of emotion.

"Will you stay here for long?" Itachi asks, eventually.

Kakashi does not answer.

Itachi waits politely just long enough for the silence to get awkward. "I will stay with you," he decides.

Whatever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to borrow a couple lines from the original fic for things to make sense here — hopefully that's okay. I did what I could to avoid that, but it really wasn't working out for this chapter…but I think this is definitely the only place that I'll have to do that! We're all original angst from here on out!

Gai feels guilty immediately after entering Kakashi's apartment. There are clothes strewn on the ground and it smells strongly of dog and mildew. Not that it smells bad! In fact, it smells exactly like Gai would have imagined Kakashi's apartment to smell if he'd ever thought about it before.

Except he hadn't because he'd never actually thought Kakashi would ever let him in. He'd only figured out where Kakashi's apartment was by accident and only comes here to issue challenges, but Kakashi could always sense him coming so he never actually let Gai get to the door and—oh.

In hindsight, Gai should have realized Kakashi wasn't home earlier. Maybe he should leave. Or would that be rude now that Kakashi-san has let him in? Then again, this isn't technically Kakashi-san's apartment…

Or is it? If Kakashi-san is from the future, then technically he'd signed all the same contracts and paid all the same rent that he was obligated to; even if he moved later, he has returned from _later_ in a way which probably isn't covered in any sort of contract agreement, but—

Gai realizes suddenly that he has been hovering uncertainly in the genkan, wringing his hands and chewing on his lower lip anxiously.

Unacceptable! After his father died, Gai promised himself to boldly live his fullest life, one overflowing with youth and courage! He consciously straightens his back and puts his hands on his hips, stops biting his lips. "Kakashi-san!" he exclaims, and then has to take a moment to furiously review his original speech to see how much of it can be repurposed. Not any of it, it turns out. "Um—"

"If you're looking for little Kakashi, he's not here," Kakashi-san says, leaning just a few feet away against the kitchen counter, his hands in his pockets. Impossibly, even his hair is slouching. "I don't know when he'll be back. Probably not for a while."

"Oh," Gai says, disappointed but also... _Little Kakashi…_ It is a little (ha!) funny to think about how upset Kakashi would be to hear himself referred to like that. Anyway. Gai rallies quickly. "That's okay. I wanted to talk to you, too."

Kakashi-san perks up. His eye gleams with interest. "Oh?"

If Gai had thought he would have the chance to ask his questions so soon, he would have prepared better. "Ah, that is, um, with the, you know," Gai can feel his ears burning, "what you said. About l-love. And, um. Th-the…" Gai blushes so hard that he nearly has to double-check that he hasn't reopened any gates because he feels like he's half a second away from bursting into flame.

"Hm?" Kakashi-san hums, cupping one hand over his ear. "What did you say? I didn't catch that." His eyebrow quirks upwards mischievously, like a challenge.

Gai feels inflamed with embarrassment still, but that eyebrow reminds him that he is the Green Beast of Konoha and he will never back down from a challenge!

"The fucking!" he says, triumphantly and maybe too loudly. He hopes Kakashi's neighbors don't complain.

Kakashi-san chuckles. The sound surprises Gai just as much as the last time he heard it, but he finds that he likes it. It makes Gai smile too, pleased to be the cause of such pleasant, comfortable mirth.

"Ah, that," Kakashi-san says airily. His eye flickers away and then back, meeting Gai's gaze very intensely. This is something that he doesn't want to share, Gai surmises, and is proven right when Kakashi-san just adds, "It was complicated."

Gai puzzles over that. Complicated? That sounds very unlike himself. It isn't that Gai isn't capable of complexity. He just prefers to tackle a problem until it's simple enough that it becomes a matter of endurance or diligence.

A terrible thought strikes him: maybe _complicated_ is Kakashi-san's tactful way of saying that the sex had been bad. Gai tries not to feel discouraged at the thought. He has been given the impression that sex, like most things, requires practice before one is particularly good at it. Gai would be happy to put in the effort, but. Well.

People aren't exactly lining up to be his partner in this sort of training.

Gai is blushing again. He feels like he should apologize, but he also doesn't want to preclude the possibility of it ever happening again—or, wait, for the first time in the future? It hasn't happened to Gai, not yet anyway (hopefully), but it _has_ happened to Kakashi-san, so does that put it in the past or the future?

Before he has quite settled this issue, the churning feelings of shame and chagrin drive him to speak before he is ready. "Kakashi-san!" he bursts out, and then panics as he tries to finish sorting his thoughts. They unhelpfully continue to tumble over each other in a way that is endlessly confusing and Gai finds himself tripping over words, exacerbated by the way Kakashi-san just keeps _looking_ at him.

Gai stops speaking when Kakashi-san straightens up out of his slouch. He stops _breathing_ when Kakashi-san reaches up with a hand to tug his mask down, the pale, forbidden skin revealing itself to Gai's eyes.

There are a thousand alarm bells going off in Gai's head. Most of them are screaming at him to look away because Kakashi would hate him for seeing this, but he can't, he _can't_ tear his eyes away despite the guilt at seeing something he isn't meant to see, because—

Because Gai is selfish. He _wants_ to see it, even though he has been trying to forget how badly. Gai would never ask for this baring of Kakashi's soft underbelly, but Kakashi-san is _offering_ it. Gai is not strong enough not to take it.

His internal turmoil means that he barely registers Kakashi-san moving until Gai's eyes cross with the effort of looking at that surprisingly soft-looking mouth, and then Kakashi-san's face is pressed up against his. His lips are plush and moist. From wearing the mask all the time? That must be it. Gai can't imagine any version of Kakashi being fussed about moisturizing.

 _This is a good way to prevent people from seeing his face without a mask,_ Gai thinks. For a few blessed seconds, this makes complete sense and everything is right. His mind is at peace in its denial.

His body is, luckily, faster on the uptake. By the time his brain has finished shattering and reforming its understanding of the world, Gai finds his hands are clutching Kakashi-san's shoulders in an attempt to press back everywhere Kakashi-san has laid his body against Gai's.

"It was only once," Kakashi-san murmurs, and Gai has no idea why. It sounds like a threat, or maybe like a promise. Gai gasps when Kakashi-san's knee slides between his legs. Kakashi-san's hands are like hot iron on his hips, pressing him so tightly against the wall that he might be trying to weld Gai in place.

Kakashi-san is _strong._ Stronger than Gai, stronger than Kakashi. There aren't many that wouldn't struggle to carry Gai, but Kakashi-san had barely blinked when he'd picked Gai up, and then he'd carried him for hours until Kakashi had put his foot down about it.

If this is something that Kakashi-san wants, this is something he can _take_ from Gai.

The thought sends a disgraceful spike of arousal through Gai's body, rapidly stoking the slow simmer in his stomach that Gai had hardly noticed in his overwhelmed state. Gai whimpers when Kakashi-san kisses him again, harder and more demanding than the first time.

This time it is Gai who breaks away, gasping for breath and reeling with sensation, but Kakashi-san allows him no respite. His fingers on Gai's jaw hold him in place when Kakashi-san slides his tongue into Gai's mouth, which is very bewildering at first, until Gai cautiously tries to mimic him and Kakashi-san groans low into his mouth before pulling away and biting(?!) Gai's jaw. It is absurdly attractive for something that Gai would usually object to.

After that, things seem to happen very quickly.

They end up on the bed, Kakashi-san unzipping Gai's jumpsuit with deliberate intent and Gai flinging Kakashi-san's shirt to the side with the same smugness he feels after winning a challenge. "Ha!"

Kakashi-san is muffling laughter in Gai's shoulder, but still manages to reach over to the drawer beside the bed to pull a bottle out without looking and Gai suddenly realizes it's lube. It's _Kakashi's_ lube and this is Kakashi's bed and—

"Wait," Gai says weakly.

Kakashi-san, strong enough to pin Gai to a wall with no wiggle room and subdue two Uchiha with half a thought, pauses to look at Gai and _wait_. Just because Gai asked. Gai feels faint with power.

"You want this," Kakashi-san says, intent enough that Gai nearly shakes with it, but his sudden stillness makes it a question.

If Gai says no, Kakashi-san would probably stop. But Gai is not a liar and, dishonorable as it is, Gai doesn't want him to stop. Now that he has admitted his desire to himself, Gai cannot seem to stop from glutting himself on anything Kakashi-san is willing to give him.

"Yes," Gai admits, and is oddly charmed by the way the tension in Kakashi-san's shoulders relaxes a fraction. "I just—this is Kakashi's bed, so—"

Kakashi-san actually scoffs at that, which is such a _Kakashi_ thing to do that Gai is momentarily taken aback. Kakashi-san proceeds to take advantage of his brief distraction to kiss Gai again.

"If I do anything you don't like," Kakashi-san says when he pulls away, his eye narrowed, "you will tell me." Not a question, a statement. Gai has the impression that the rest of the sentence goes something like _and then I will do something else_ instead of _and then I will stop._

This is fine, because Gai does not want him to stop.

"Can I touch you?" Gai blurts out.

Kakashi-san's face does something funny. "Of course."

"It's just," Gai fumbles for his words and shamefully admits, "I might not be very good. No one wants…" He indicates towards himself, feeling like a fraud. He finds himself wanting to hide away, but there's nowhere to hide sprawled on the bed as he is. He ends up defensively tucking his hands under his thighs, an old nervous habit.

Kakashi-san growls and whips the rest of his jumpsuit off so quickly that Gai yelps in surprise and nearly tumbles off the bed, saved only by the grace of Kakashi-san's hand pressed insistently against his chest. A moment later, Kakashi-san is in nothing but briefs and is straddling Gai's lap, a long, pale line of hard muscle. Gai gapes up at him, unable to comprehend that someone so gorgeous, so _Kakashi_ could be here with him like this.

"In the future," Kakashi-san says lowly, "you take many men and women to your bed, and these lovers of the Splendid Green Beast do not leave it with any complaints." 

For a moment, Gai entertains the thought Kakashi-san might be lying to make him feel better, and then dismisses the thought. Kakashi would never do something so pointless. "Really?" Gai asks eagerly. 

Kakashi-san bares his teeth at him, presses him harder into Kakashi's terrible lumpy mattress, and growls darkly, "Yes."

He's jealous, Gai realizes belatedly. The thrill of it makes his arousal burn demandingly, and Kakashi-san grins down at him, the look of it on his naked face a glorious shock, and then Kakashi-san leans down to steal another kiss while his hands stoke the fire in Gai's body higher and higher until Gai is gasping with it. 

Everything only gets better when Gai remembers that he can touch, too.

At one point, Gai finds his eyes are closed, but he wants to _see_. He wants anything he can get. When he opens his eyes, his vision is blurry and plays tricks on him: he thinks for a moment that he sees the spinning red of the Sharingan, but Kakashi-san only has one dark eye open when the world comes back into focus.

There is a strange peace to be had, after. Kakashi-san lies on his side, Gai tucked up against his chest and his fingers running through Gai's hair. Their legs are tangled together and Kakashi-san is happy to let Gai drape his arms around his middle. It is startlingly intimate, unfamiliar in a way that makes Gai feel like a thief taking something that isn't his.

This is not something Gai ever thought he might want or could have, but Kakashi-san has been upending Gai's ideas of what those things might entail for a full day. Gai listens to Kakashi-san's slowing heartbeat and lets himself embrace Kakashi-san the way he wants to, just for a little bit.

Gai should sleep. He should have been asleep hours ago. The exhaustion claws at him, but his will is strong and he wants to linger in this moment as long as he can.

Also, Gai wants to be awake just in case Kakashi comes back. Mostly so he can get a head start in running away. He's pretty sure the speech he'd prepared is moot now. Kakashi-san is not Kakashi, but it doesn't mean that this hasn't changed their Rivalry irrevocably.

Gai can't bring himself to regret it, not yet.

Kakashi-san shifts back, peering down at Gai. Gai blinks up at him.

"Do you," Kakashi-san starts to say carefully, and Gai finds that he cannot bear to hear the rest of it.

He reaches his hand out, and Kakashi-san lets Gai touch his jaw with careful fingertips, slide his calluses across the soft skin, the barest hint of stubble catching. While Gai watches, Kakashi-san playfully ducks his head so that Gai's palm fits over his face like his mask usually does, and presses the gentlest kiss against Gai's open hand before tugging Gai's hand away and bestowing the same treatment to his lips. It makes Gai's head spin with how wonderful it is.

Gods, what has taught Kakashi-san to be this way? Gai wants to find it and chop it up into pieces to put into a curry, feed it to Kakashi every day until Kakashi blooms, sweet and wild, just like this. There are a hundred thousand challenges that lie between his Rival and this soft-eyed, vulnerable Kakashi who can let Gai see him without his mask, who can give kisses so passionate and tender and sugar sweet.

This is when Gai realizes, with a sinking feeling, that he — Gai-san — is dead.

He doesn't know what his older self has done to earn this trust and open adoration, but even without them Gai would never let his Rival take a risk like traveling through time _alone_ , not if he could help it. Kakashi, being difficult and unfair, probably wouldn't let him, but...

Gai doesn't think that Kakashi would go without him if he really, truly loved him like Kakashi-san seems to. Kakashi is self-sacrificial to a fault, but when it really matters even Kakashi can be selfish. If Kakashi-san has come here on his own, then Gai-san has gone somewhere that won't let him follow. That is why Kakashi-san is even bothering with Gai, a mere echo of the man he really wants to be with, the one who has really earned this precious, indulgent repose.

Gai sits up, tucking his legs underneath himself so he can cradle Kakashi-san's face in his hands, feeling unusually solemn. Kakashi-san just...lets him, one dark eye blinking lazily at him, his hands coming up to circle Gai's wrists loosely. Gai runs his thumbs across Kakashi-san's brows, his cheekbones, lips, committing to memory as many details as he can. He tries to imagine what Kakashi's face might look like this, and can't; all he can picture is the tense crease of Kakashi's stormy brow with his hitai-ate pulled sharply over Obito's eye, the black cloth of his lower face.

Kakashi-san lets out a deep, contented sigh, non-Sharingan eye falling closed. He leans into Gai's touch, even though Gai is not the one who deserves it.

Gai's heart aches for him, and for himself. Unable to help himself, he leans in to press greedy, lingering kisses to Kakashi-san's eyelids, the greatest and most lethal tools of their trade, making the silver lashes flutter with astonishing delicateness; to his nose, which wrinkles minutely in response; to his lips, which obligingly return Gai's gentle kisses.

A hundred thousand challenges is nothing. Gai will overcome a hundred million challenges if it means he can have this again. Already he can see the shape of a future that could still come, the slow culmination of this goal that Gai had never considered a possibility. It will take a long time, but Gai can be patient. It will be hard work, but Gai is a genius of hard work!

Gai eases back to let himself take one more long look, then lets go. He inhales deeply.

"Kakashi-san!" Gai exclaims, jumping off the bed. "What a splendid blooming of effervescent youth! Yosh! To celebrate, we will clean every inch of this apartment until it is spotless or I will run two hundred laps around the village!"

"We will?" Kakashi-san asks blankly, his voice almost a whine. He collapses into the sheets, burying his face in the pillow. It seems that Kakashi will never stop being lazy.

"Yes!" Gai says firmly. "If we finish before my Rival comes back, I will make you my Ultra Deluxe Special Stamina Curry! Kakashi refuses to try it, but I have faith that you, in your greater wisdom, will appreciate its value in sustaining our strength and vigor so we can train ever-longer and ever-harder!"

Kakashi-san actually lifts his head at that. "Did you just call me old?" he asks, deadpan.

Gai gasps. "Never!" he proclaims, aghast that Kakashi-san would even suggest it. "The springtime of our youth is in our hearts, not our age!" In fact, Gai secretly thinks that Kakashi-san might have more youth in his heart than Kakashi does. Gai does not say this out loud, because it seems like too much of a betrayal to actually acknowledge it.

Kakashi-san is smiling at him again. Gai's heart stutters at the sight. "Maa," Kakashi-san says, "I guess I'm a little hungry. I suppose I can help out."

"Yosh!" Gai shouts, punching a fist in the air before suddenly remembering Kakashi's neighbors again.

Oh no. They're definitely going to complain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't yell at me, but I handwaved some timeline things. Listen, I'm just here to write some sad af kakagai so

Eventually the Hokage shows up to gently but firmly order Kakashi to leave and get some rest. Curiously, he says nothing to or about Itachi, who simply slinks out with Kakashi when he reluctantly makes his way out. Kakashi doesn't know how long it's been. He only knows that he arrived in the evening and now the sky is bright with sunlight. Less than a day, probably.

It is a mark of Kakashi's exhaustion that he only realizes that Itachi means to follow him home when he is already about halfway back to his apartment. He stops in his tracks and stares at Itachi, who stares back dispassionately without saying anything.

Their staring contest goes on for several long moments before Kakashi finally gets impatient and flicks an ANBU hand signal of dismissal at Itachi.

That's when Itachi finally breaks eye contact to look at the ground. "I don't have anywhere to go," he says quietly.

Kakashi very nearly says something unforgivable. He reins it in, but only barely, reaching desperately for some hidden depth of compassion for this boy — he thinks Itachi might still be ten or something? — who was so backed into a corner that he became the hand that facilitated the end of his own clan. It makes sense that Itachi wouldn't want to go back there.

Kakashi manages to scrounge up enough humanity to say only, "I don't have an extra futon."

Itachi nods, still not meeting his eyes. "I understand, taichou," he says, and disappears in a blink.

Kakashi waits a beat, half-expecting him to pop back up. He doesn't, so Kakashi tiredly trudges the rest of the way to his apartment.

His usual traps and wards have been reset when he reaches his door, so Kakashi isn't surprised to sense that Hatake is gone. However, he is mildly surprised when he opens the door to a completely different apartment than he remembers.

Kakashi stares blankly at the sparkling clean of the apartment before him instead of entering, and then glances to his left and right to make sure that he's in the right place. Once he has confirmed that this is indeed the right apartment, he enters cautiously, kunai drawn and instincts prickling. The unexpected smell of citrus permeates the air and puts him on edge.

There is a small collection of cleaning bottles on the kitchen counter with notes that have Gai's cramped, bold handwriting scrawled across them attached. The sight of it makes Kakashi sigh with exasperation. He tucks his kunai into his pocket and picks up the larger piece of paper tucked under one of the bottles and begins to read.

_Rival! I swore to make sure your entire apartment was spotless in return for your hospitality! However, Kakashi-san would not let me clean your closet, so I have gone to run 200 laps around the village! Why don't you have any cleaning supplies? Kakashi-san claims that remembering what all the different cleaning supplies do is too much work, but you are a genius, Kakashi, this should be easy for you! Just in case, I have written down instructions for each one!_

Someone, likely Gai, has drawn what is probably Ningame at the bottom of the paper. Kakashi stares at it for a long moment, irritated and amused in turns by the lopsidedness of it. There is also a distant feeling of annoyance that Gai went ahead and gave himself permission to touch Kakashi's things, but more strongly there is a reluctant gratitude that someone else has done what Kakashi has lacked the motivation to do for months.

The amusement and gratitude evaporates in a second, leaving only irritation when he turns the paper over and sees the henohenomoheji face. _Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't pass out in the meantime. He should be in the hospital too, you know. You're a terrible influence._

Kakashi closes his eyes and counts to ten. Twenty. Thirty.

He lets out a breath and flips the paper back over before he opens his eyes again. On a whim, he carefully rips out the picture of Ningame into a tight square and goes to his unusually dust-free bookcase to tuck it into a book he once received from Minato-sensei. He doesn't think too much about why he's doing this. If he does, he'll stop and he will decide not to preserve this tiny, fragile token of kindness.

He crushes the rest of the note in his hand, the fragile paper offering no resistance against his grip. It is strangely satisfying, but the feeling fades quickly once he throws it viciously into a trash can.

All that's left is a bone-deep tiredness. Kakashi yanks a couple outer layers off, but is still wearing his pants and shirt, as well as his weapons pouch, when he falls into the freshly-laundered sheets on his bed. He drops the rest of his weapons carelessly by the bed in a place that is easy to access, but where he is unlikely to step on them if he has to wake up in a hurry.

The sheets smell like the cheap floral detergent and the hot metal of the dryers at the local laundromat. If he presses his face in hard enough, Kakashi can almost imagine that it also smells faintly of Gai.

That's the last thought Kakashi has before his body shuts down to claim the rest that it's needed for days.

Something triggers one of his wards. Kakashi is out of bed, tanto in hand, before he recognizes Tenzou's chakra flashing a code in inquiry: _safe to approach?_

Kakashi rubs sleep from his face, double-checks his mask is in place, then goes to unlock his window in response. He's even nice enough to disarm the window traps for his kouhai.

He's barely two steps away when Tenzou is crawling in through it, carrying an unusual package. 

"Senpai," Tenzou says bemusedly, "I found a missing nin sleeping in the tree outside your window." He has a tight grip on the back of Itachi's collar, who is scowling but not bothering to fight his hold. Tenzou squints at Itachi dubiously and occasionally gives him a shake, though not with the force that he could be using, like he's not sure whether he's trying to be intimidating or just trying to confirm that it is indeed Itachi Uchiha he's staring at.

Itachi is sulking. "I wasn't sleeping," he mutters. "I was waiting." When Kakashi and Tenzou sharpen their focus at him, he realizes belatedly how it sounds. "Not to attack you! I was waiting for—" Kakashi sees the way Itachi glances at Kakashi before cutting himself off, but puts that information away to dissect later.

Tenzou does his scary face. Itachi is mostly immune to it, but still grimaces in response. "Speak," Tenzou says.

"Gai-san," Itachi admits grudgingly.

What?

"Who?" Tenzou asks, looking to Kakashi with a frown.

Kakashi ignores this request for information. "Why?" he demands, eyes narrowed.

"I was," Itachi starts, then fidgets. He tries again. "He offered me a place to stay if… I wasn't sure, but…" He looks down at his feet. "I tried to go back to the clan compound. The wards let me in, but…I couldn't do it. I managed to find him after he left the hospital and followed him here, but…"

Strangely, he glances at Kakashi again, hesitates, and then clearly skips ahead in the story.

"After that, I…lost track of him, but I couldn't find him again. I don't really know him well enough to know where he usually goes, and I'm not much of a sensor or a tracker. I thought he might come back here, so I..." He indicates towards the window to say _hid in a tree and waited to see if he would._

There are so many holes in his story that Kakashi nearly laughs. He doesn't, because he is distracted by the rising wave of emotion threatening to choke him.

Disgust and fury. When had Gai made that offer? _Why_ would he make it? Itachi has been acquitted of his perceived crimes against Konoha, but he's still _dangerous._ Only an idiot would open his home to an S-rank missing nin who could slit his throat before he even blinked.

It is only when Tenzou twitches and moves his hand to hover over his weapons pouch that Kakashi realizes that his attention on Itachi has shifted into killing intent. Itachi himself does not move a muscle, but his eyes are large and watching Kakashi warily. Kakashi does not doubt that Itachi is willing to defend himself with extreme prejudice if he is attacked.

What is he doing? Kakashi nearly staggers back with the force of coming down from his instinct to attack, to _defend_ , to take the lethal preemptive strike. He remembers the despair at the horror Itachi had left in his wake, his bewildered attempts to make sense of it; as a subordinate, Itachi had always been ruthless and professional, but Kakashi had found in him the same resigned sense of duty that had them both following orders, no matter how reluctant they were to do some of the things they were told to do.

Kakashi doesn't want to kill Itachi. He also doesn't want Tenzou to kill him, and he definitely doesn't want Itachi to kill either of them. Senseless murder has done none of them any good. Teammates killing teammates. That's against everything Kakashi has tried to stand for.

_Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash._ Kakashi still believes it, even if he failed to live up to it for Obito and for Rin. What's more, _Tenzou_ still believes it, this meager kernel of honor that Kakashi has managed to polish enough to pass on to him; that he does makes it valuable and true enough to matter, even if it came from a fraud like Kakashi.

"Let him go, Tenzou," Kakashi says, unable to look at either of them. "The Hokage himself pardoned him. He is no longer a missing nin. He is a loyal shinobi of Konohagakure, as he has always been."

There is a fraught pause, then Tenzou lets go of Itachi's collar. Itachi huffs softly to himself and straightens his clothing.

Kakashi focuses on breathing evenly, takes a moment to assess himself now that the immediate danger has passed. His chakra is still alarmingly low. He's still tired. He probably only got a few hours of sleep. He probably needs at least a week of good, uninterrupted sleep to shake the weariness. He's not going to get that right now, so he just shakes his head and orders himself to get it together.

"Tenzou," he says, finally addressing the reason he's awake at all, "report."

Tenzou kneels, falling automatically into the ANBU salute despite not wearing his mask. Itachi remains on his feet, watching both of them silently. "The Hokage sent me. He told me to bring you and your," his brow furrows in confusion, "'other half'." Kakashi can practically hear the quotation marks. Right, Tenzou had been on a mission away from the village when Hatake had shown himself.

"Oh," Itachi says very quietly to himself.

"Fine," Kakashi says, and ANBU-signals dismissal. "I'll go get him."

Tenzou, not entirely unlike Itachi, ignores the dismissal order, but at least he puts on his mask and fades into the shadow as he trails after Kakashi. Kakashi decides this is fine; technically he is the one who has co-opted the orders of the Hokage, and it's always reassuring to have Tenzou at his back in potentially difficult situations. He is less fine with the way Itachi casually invites himself along without saying anything, but Kakashi doesn't have it in him to send him away, not after the scene he'd made earlier.

The trouble with tracking an older version of himself becomes apparent very quickly. Hatake smells just like Kakashi, so tracking him by scent just leads him in circles. He could summon his ninken, but there's no point in wasting what little chakra he has left on something that might not even be helpful. He _wants_ the solid, no-nonsense comfort of Pakkun, certainly, but it's easy to push away the sentimentality in favor of practicality. He's been doing it for a long time.

With that out, they are reduced to old-fashioned footwork. They head out to the outskirts of the village, where they speak to no less than seven people who distinctly remember a young man wearing a bright green jumpsuit doing laps around the village while shouting. Three of them remember an older jounin with silver hair with him. 

"He didn't look that much older than the other one," the second of them, a grocer, says thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "But his hair was all white, so he must have been, right?" He eyes Kakashi's hair. "Not that common of a hair color, is it?" Itachi does not laugh, but he also studiously avoids meeting Kakashi's eye in a way that is very suspicious. Kakashi pretends not to notice.

All three witnesses agree that if the older man is anywhere, he's likely with the green jumpsuit guy. The last of them says this with a curl of disgust turning her lips downward. Kakashi notes this, tucking the image away in a mental box along with the careful way Itachi speaks around Hatake to be considered later. Or never, if possible.

This last witness at least remembers when she'd last seen the two, though it's not particularly helpful. It's been several hours at least.

Kakashi finds that it is a strange experience to search for Gai. He has never needed to go looking for his self-professed rival. Gai always just shows up, even when Kakashi doesn't want him to, and that's the way it's always been.

Finding himself on the other side of the experience is disorienting. He doesn't like it. It feels like an unsteady shifting of balance, a giving away of ground, even more so because this experience has brought Kakashi the uncomfortable realization he doesn't know anything about Gai.

Gai knows his favorite training grounds, reading spots, and hiding places; he even knows where Kakashi lives. Kakashi only knows, like he knows that a stone will sink in water if he drops it in, that Gai will always find Kakashi if he puts his mind to it. It is inconvenient that he is conspicuously absent the only time Kakashi actually needs him to do it.

The universe is on his side today because he is fortunate enough to run into Genma as they head back into the village to regroup.

"Oh, hey," Genma says, looking as energetic as ever. As in, not. "Good timing. Or bad, I guess. I just saw Gai and, uh," he squints at Kakashi, "you, kinda. Sorta. It was, uh…weird."

"You met Gai and Hatake?" Kakashi demands. "Where were they headed?"

Genma stares at him for a moment and then mouths _Hatake_ silently to himself. He shakes his head. "Uh, yeah," Genma says, giving Kakashi a considering look. "So you've met him? You've seen him with Gai?"

"Yes," Kakashi says impatiently. They were on a mission together, of course Kakashi has met the stupid pervert and seen him with Gai. "Where are they?"

"Uh," Genma says, chewing fretfully on his senbon. He's still got that strange, thoughtful expression on his face. "I feel like maybe I shouldn't tell you—"

Kakashi glares at him mutely.

"—but I will because we're such good buds, Kakashi, you know?" Genma laughs nervously and mutters something under his breath that sounds a little like _Gai, my buddy, sorry but it's every ninja for himself._ He finally notices Itachi and does a double take. "Whoa."

"Genma," Kakashi says tersely, but Genma ignores him.

"Gai told me the news, but it's different to actually see you here in the flesh," Genma says to Itachi, who stares at him stoically in response. "You know he's looking for you?"

Itachi blinks. "I did not." He looks a little pleased.

"Genma," Kakashi says again, more sharply.

Genma very reluctantly meets Kakashi's gaze. "Oh, Kakashi," he says, falsely surprised. "Did you need something?"

Kakashi studies him for a long moment. "They're at the house, aren't they?" he asks experimentally, almost hopefully. Genma's eyes widen. _Bingo._

He'd stayed in Dai's shabby little house for a month after Sakumo had died, just until he'd gotten sick of their combined sympathy and moved into the tiny apartment that he still lives in. He went back only once. After Dai's death, he'd gone to sit on the porch to wait and ponder the empty darkness beyond the window curtains. Gai had come back from the funeral, uncharacteristically withdrawn and quiet, his blank eyes flickering with surprise when they fell upon Kakashi.

Kakashi hadn't had anything to offer him. He'd just sat and waited some more, surprised by himself, too, for even being there. Tentatively, Gai had come to sit next to him. Neither of them had said anything. Gai hadn't even cried. Kakashi supposed that he'd done enough of that at the funeral, judging by the red of his eyes. Eventually Gai had gone back inside the house to sleep and Kakashi had left, and then he'd never gone back again.

That doesn't mean that he has forgotten where it is. Lucky, because it is the only place of Gai's that Kakashi knows.

His body is moving in the direction of the house before he registers that is what he means to do. Genma is jogging after him, Itachi trailing behind him. "Wait, are you going there right now? Uh, maybe you should, uh, like, maybe later? I mean, it's such a nice day, Kakashi! Don't you want to eat some dango? Not a fan? Uh, maybe ramen? I have a coupon for the new curry place—"

"The Hokage wants to speak with Hatake," Kakashi says shortly.

"Ah shit," Genma says, then, "I'll go with you! Just in case you get lost or something. Not that you would! You're a genius, after all." This last bit is said with a touch of sarcasm that Kakashi does not appreciate.

Kakashi says, "I know where I'm going."

"Right," Genma says, "I feel like I should be surprised. I think I am, a little. You and Gai have the _weirdest_ relationship, seriously—"

Kakashi wishes Genma would just stop talking. He realizes he's grinding his teeth together again and forces himself to relax, loosen the tension in his jaw.

_Relationship_ , he scoffs to himself. As if this ridiculous one-sided rivalry could possibly fall into a category that can include families and lovers and friends. Kakashi doesn't have any of those things. He has his colleagues, he has the ANBU, he has his duty to the village. Those are the only relationships he needs.

They're taking the turn that will lead them down to the unpaved road connected to the tiny, ramshackle plot of land and shambling cottage that is Dai's—Gai's house. The view of it is nearly entirely blocked by trees. Genma panics and tries to poison Kakashi, but Itachi knocks the senbon out of the air before it reaches him.

"Just a sleeping agent," Genma defends himself weakly, putting both hands up in the air as they glare at him.

Obviously there is something he doesn't want Kakashi to see. He's being incredibly dramatic about it. It's putting Kakashi on edge. He glares at Genma, gratified when Itachi follows suit. Nonlethal or not, attacking a fellow shinobi of Konoha is _rude._ "Are you going to try that again, or do I have to incapacitate you?"

"No," Genma says, sounding very defeated. "I give up. Let's just go."

They continue on. Inevitably, Kakashi hears Gai before he sees him.

"Kakashi- _san_ , stop that! I've only done two hundred and thirty seven push-ups on one arm and I want to make at least five hundred on both before dinner!"

Kakashi is distracted from hearing Hatake's response when Itachi abruptly stops in his tracks, his face white with sudden realization.

"What?" he asks, scanning the area for possible enemies.

"No, nothing," Itachi says, even though it is clearly not nothing. "We should hurry."

Kakashi refrains from pointing out that it was his fault they'd stopped at all and just gets on with it, Itachi and Genma falling unconsciously into position at his back.

Tenzou flickers into sight as Kakashi is one step away from the small footpath leading to the Maito house's front door and is nervously saying, "Ah, senpai—" when Kakashi sees it. Them. 

Gai and Hatake are on the ground, grappling.

"For fuck's sake," Genma mutters, but it barely registers because Kakashi's mind is very calmly and analytically assessing the situation and mercilessly telling him exactly what is happening, clinically taking it apart piece by excruciating piece.

They are not grappling. That is the first comforting lie that Kakashi's mind rips away from him. Gai is laying in the dirt on his back, one arm still tangled up in his jounin vest. The way it is tucked up under his back means that particular arm is trapped awkwardly in place, though it hasn't stopped Gai from bending it at the elbow so that his hand can clutch at the material of Hatake's sleeve. The other arm has been flung around Hatake's neck in a choke hold— _no, to hold Hatake closer_ , his mind corrects him. The world around him seems to buzz, a sound like cicadas dying at the end of summer filling Kakashi's ears.

Everyone Kakashi has ever cared about has died, and not once has he ever understood how _much_ he cared about them until they were gone. Not once has he ever expected how much it would hurt, or for how long. Holding people at a distance hasn't stopped the pain; keeping them close only seems to guarantee their demise.

Kakashi understands that this is his failure. He wasn't good enough as a ninja to keep the dishonor from soaking through Sakumo and dragging him down; he wasn't human enough to understand what Obito and Rin wanted from him until it was too late to give it; he wasn't trustworthy enough to be at Minato-sensei's side when Kushina died and his teacher had to seal the Nine-Tails inside his newborn son. He is only ever strong enough until the ones he loves the most _need_ him most, and then they are gone.

Kakashi is doomed to fail everyone he cares about again and again and again, and his punishment is that he will always survive it. He will always be left alone to bear the weight of the emptiness they leave behind.

Hatake is leaning over Gai, one arm wrapped around his shoulders, the other disappearing into the space between Gai's back and the ground. Kakashi finds it in flashes as Gai's hips buck upwards, seeking friction, the pale fingertips digging into Gai's lower back, gloved palm cupped strategically to give support as he presses a thigh between Gai's legs. The mask has been pulled down to Hatake's chin. Gai's lower lip occasionally catches on it.

Kakashi is moving. The Sharingan is open and spinning, even though he doesn't remember moving his hitai-ate. He feels the familiar crackle of Chidori in his hand. Distantly, he hears Genma shouting from behind him, and then the distinctive sounds of at least one person using the body flicker, but they are too late.

Hatake dodges Kakashi's attack with graceful, insulting ease, flipping smoothly out of the way. His mask is back in place. Genma's shouting is more confused than panicked now. Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi sees that he has dragged Gai back, slouched over his old teammate in a way to take a blow for him if he has to. Itachi has taken a defensive stance in front of both of them, but his form rapidly deteriorates as he realizes that he has misjudged the situation. His face goes slack with surprise.

Kakashi swats Tenzou, the only one to correctly guess his true target, out of the way. He leaps for Hatake a second time, an icy rage burning through him and giving him purpose.

His body does not respond the way he expects. Kakashi staggers, the Chidori fading. Darkness crowds in at the corners of his vision.

"You," he manages to croak at Hatake, who watches him impassively. _How dare you, you worthless garbage._

Kakashi only manages a few more seconds of aggrieved, impotent fury before consciousness escapes him completely.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it 2021 yet? No?

It is astonishingly easy to fall into a rhythm with Kakashi-san. They embark on a slightly extended mini-adventure to find a store that is still open this late in the evening for cleaning supplies because apparently Kakashi just…doesn't clean, which Gai finds very concerning. Kakashi-san distracts him by making up increasingly absurd stories to explain it as they walk.

Despite himself, it is a struggle not to laugh. Gai plays along, swallowing both his worry and his laughter to ask serious questions to poke holes in Kakashi-san's preposterous logic. With each question, Kakashi-san launches into even _more_ long-windedly nonsensical tales of explanation to try to make Gai laugh out loud. It is like a light-hearted extension of his challenges with Kakashi. Gai likes it.

Their domestic mission passes quickly and entertainingly in this way. Gai manages to keep up his act of playing dumb, but only barely: Kakashi-san gets a smile out of him only once, but not full laughter! Gai decides that makes it a tie.

Maybe Kakashi-san decides the same thing because he helps Gai clean without Gai even having to say anything. He does a very thorough job dusting and wiping down the surfaces of the apartment but pretends not to know anything about the bathroom.

"Hm? Toilet?" Kakashi-san says, eye crinkling as he rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure I've never used one of those before. Are you sure it's not a water bowl for the dogs? Maybe that's not even my bathroom, Gai, have you considered that? Maybe it's the neighbor's and they accidentally blew an uncannily doorway-shaped hole in the wall while we were out—"

"Kakashi-san!" Gai cries. Kakashi-san cackles, dances away when Gai brandishes the toilet scrubber at him.

Despite Kakashi-san's games, they ultimately make quick work of tidying and scrubbing and sweeping together. Just a few hours later, the cleaning is done after a short standoff in front of the closet to which Gai concedes tactful defeat. If there is something in there that Kakashi-san doesn't want him to see, then it is something that Kakashi also doesn't want Gai to see, which makes it something Gai doesn't want to see anyway!

He wishes he had known about it before attaching the 200-lap self-rule to cleaning _every_ inch of Kakashi's apartment, but Gai does not regret it! Extra training is never a waste! Gai is in the springtime of his youth! Two hundred laps around the village is nothing! Even if dawn is breaking and Gai hasn't really gotten any proper rest since returning to the village, unless the time he was passed out at the hospital counts.

From experience, Gai is fairly certain it doesn't, but the sun is threatening to shine brightly all day and the skies are a clear, radiant blue. It won't do to let such a beautiful day pass without taking full advantage of it!

That settled, Gai finally makes up his mind about whether or not to wait until Kakashi finally returns from wherever he is. He knows that he needs to talk to Kakashi about what has happened. It is a conversation that is cowardly to avoid, and Gai is no coward.

However, he does have other things to do and waiting around for Kakashi will literally get him nowhere. His chances of encountering Kakashi while he is out and about are about the same as if he just hangs around the apartment, but Gai is a man of action and initiative. He cannot simply sit around and hope Kakashi will appear. Gai is almost certain that doing so will make Kakashi less likely to show himself anyway, like watching a pot that never boils.

Kakashi-san squints at the note he's writing to Kakashi and suggests that it is lacking flair. Gai is incensed by his words! He adds a spunky and handsome drawing of Ningame at the bottom, which Kakashi-san considers critically before giving him a thumbs up of approval. Delighted, Gai gives him a thumbs up in return and lets Kakashi-san take the paper and scribble his own note on the back before tucking it under one of the bottles of cleaning fluid.

"It's a perfect day for running!" Gai tells Kakashi-san. "After I'm done with my laps, I will run through every street in Konoha until I find young Itachi!"

Kakashi-san says curiously, "Itachi? Why?"

"Um," Gai says, because he is a little nervous about admitting that he invited Itachi to stay at Gai's house if he needed to.

It's just that Itachi had seemed so apprehensive about going back to Konoha, the place that should be home and safety, that the offer had just fallen out of Gai's mouth before he'd really considered whether or not it was wise. However, as soon as it had, he had known it was right. He has no regrets about it!

His father would have done it, he knows, and not thought twice about it. _What is a house if it does not shelter?_ Papa used to say. _Sometimes people who are down on their luck just need a place to stay for a while until they find their own feet._

Over the years, their little house has sheltered many people. Mostly Papa's friends, usually civilians. Merchants passing through who remembered Dai from one of his many escort missions, or farmers who Dai had worked for and wanted to spend the night drinking and catching up in their rare nights in the village, or sometimes shopkeepers who were down on their luck because running a business is risky in any village and it is even more so in a ninja village.

However, his Papa had always been happy to open their home to Gai's friends too: Kakashi, during that terrible, grim period after his father took his own life; Genma and his mother, when their landlord evicted them the summer after the war ended and there weren't enough missions to go around while the ninja world tried to adjust to peacetime; Asuma, whenever his turbulent relationship with his father turned particularly sour; Ebisu and Kurenai and their merry band of street children those few years before they graduated from the Academy and were able to make enough money to rent their own place big enough for all of them.

Even now sometimes Genma or Ebisu, occasionally even Kurenai, stay the night for old time's sake. Some of Papa's old friends stop by occasionally, too, to reminisce or leave thoughtful gifts of rice or extra produce from a particularly good harvest. Gai isn't always home when they stop by, which means that sometimes he comes home from a hard mission to a very kind gesture left on his doorstep.

Gai has cried many tears of joy about it, moved and rejuvenated by the thoughtfulness of the people of his village. Such moments have been woven into the foundation of his resolve along with his memories of friends who have been lost. He uses it as fodder to renew his vows every time he trains, every time he heads out on a mission: _I will be strong enough to protect my precious people._

The Uchiha compound probably has none of that sense of home left for Itachi. Gai is not half the man that his father was, so he does have to think twice, but it makes him twice as determined to commit to the offer he has already made. Itachi hadn't even replied to Gai's offer, but Gai feels beholden to making sure he knows it is still open.

The other reason Gai hesitates to mention it is that Kakashi and Gai don't talk about a lot of things and Gai's house is one of them. Not since Kakashi left to find his own space. Not even when Kakashi appeared after Papa's funeral to mourn privately in his own way. Other similarly taboo topics include the languishing Hatake compound, Team 7, Naruto Uzumaki, and the exact sound that sixty-eight snails in a glass case makes when it falls twelve stories to smash into the ground. Even Gai still winces at the thought of the last one…

Gai doesn't know how to approach a delicate topic in a way to test whether or not it is still delicate, so instead of explaining any of that, Gai says, "I'll tell you after I finish my two hundred laps around the village!" It will give him some time to sort out his own thoughts about everything else, too.

Or, at least it would have.

"Make it five hundred," Kakashi-san suggests, his eyebrow doing that provocative lift again, "and it could be a real challenge."

"Challenge accepted!" Gai announces excitedly. Kakashi has never offered a challenge before! Well, this is not his Rival, not exactly. Gai feels confused, but he has already committed his heart and mind to this passionate competition of speed, so all that is left is to follow through on his word!

Kakashi-san wins with a lead that is not unduly significant, but large enough to be something of a shock. When Gai, winded and gasping for the first time in a long time, joins him at their predetermined finish line, his legs are trembling from exertion.

Usually he and Kakashi are about matched in terms of speed and stamina; Kakashi is faster, but Gai's more rigorous training regimen means he has greater endurance. However, Kakashi-san has both greater speed and greater endurance than Gai. In fact, Gai is fairly certain that Kakashi-san could have pushed for a greater lead, but chose to stay just out of reach, far enough to make it clear who was ahead, close enough not to be discouraging. The distance a teacher might choose to keep.

Could Kakashi-san have been a teacher? Gai's mind boggles at the thought as he pants and tries not to fall over. Academy? Gai dismisses the idea immediately. Jounin-sensei, then. He tries to imagine Kakashi with a team of genin. His imagination provides the image of Kakashi with three Itachis with different colored hair, all staring flatly ahead with blank expressions. It's a little scary.

Kakashi-san cheerfully says, "Better add ten more laps to cool down," which is usually _Gai's_ line because running is Kakashi's least favorite form of exercise.

Gai has to bite back a groan and he seriously considers whether or not Kakashi-san might be evil. Still, he grimly joins Kakashi-san to do ten laps to cool down and waveringly begins his post-run stretches. He could use his chakra to flush out the strain in his muscles, but he likes the ritual of it. Plus, it gives him a moment to actually catch his breath. He winces when he remembers he said that he would run through every street in the village to find Itachi. As it is, he just wants to lie down and take a nap.

Kakashi-san settles into a reclining position on the grass, having already expended the chakra necessary to achieve the same effects as Gai's stretches, one hand behind his head and the other holding Icha Icha Paradise open in his hand. Gai still cannot believe that Kakashi-san reads such literature out in the open like he does! Then again, Kakashi has never been afraid to read alarming texts in public. Compared to the books that Gai used to find Kakashi reading, at least this particular choice in reading material doesn't seem like a cry for help.

In fact, given its subject matter, if Gai thinks about it, it's almost…a good sign? Maybe? That Kakashi might at some point in the future become indulgent enough to enjoy stories of romance is something that Gai had never considered before Kakashi-san appeared.

 _Erotic romance,_ Gai's mind reminds him. He ducks his head, hoping that his blush is hidden by the lingering flush of exertion from the running. A book about love and…making love. Not fucking. Gai understands the difference, just like he knows that although his night with Kakashi-san was passionate and fierce, it was equally reverent and filled with tender emotion. At times, Kakashi-san had touched Gai gently like he might break, his kisses soft and generous, and then other times he had held too tightly like he thought Gai might disappear or try to leave.

Gai is sad to think of what might have happened with Gai-san that Kakashi-san would describe it as _fucking_ when he'd dedicated himself so thoroughly to making love to Gai. As he finishes the last of his stretches, he wonders if Kakashi-san might have learned some of his techniques from Icha Icha and eyes the book in Kakashi-san's hands speculatively.

Without looking up from its pages, Kakashi-san drawls, "See something you like?"

"No!" Gai denies too quickly, "I was just thinking about your book!" When Kakashi-san's eyebrow shoots up in surprise, he realizes too late what he's said and blushes even more furiously than before.

"Really," Kakashi-san practically purrs, now lowering his book and slowly lifting his gaze instead to meet Gai's. Gai can't seem to avert his eyes, even though he kind of wants to. "Were there any specific thoughts that you wanted to share?"

"Kakashi-san," Gai squeaks out in protest. To his despair, he can feel himself growing redder and redder, Kakashi-san's expression growing more and more amused, until finally he cannot bear it and breaks eye contact. He collapses dynamically down onto the grass, pressing his cheek into the earth to try to soak in some of its solid neutrality and squeezing his eyes shut. "Not… Not really…"

He hears Kakashi-san snort, then what might be the sound of someone tucking a book away. He senses the heat of someone's body settling next to him, and he opens his eyes to see that Kakashi-san has settled onto his back right next to him, his head turned to Gai. "Are you sure?" Kakashi-san wheedles. Gai smiles inadvertently. He loves hearing such good-natured mischievousness in Kakashi's voice. "I seem to remember someone being very interested in what was under this mask of mine. Maybe you'd like to take it off yourself?"

Suddenly Gai is sitting up and looking down at Kakashi-san, who just looks peaceably up at him, his hands folded over his stomach in a deliberate display of harmless passivity.

There is a low buzz of static in Gai's mind. _Yes,_ he thinks, the only thing he can think at all, the clarity in the storm. He does want to take it off.

In the space of a breath, Gai has thrown a leg over Kakashi-san's hips and is straddling him, Kakashi-san's hands rising to rest on Gai's thighs when Gai plants one hand beside Kakashi-san's head for balance. One hand, trembling slightly, comes up to Kakashi-san's jaw where he delicately pinches the cloth between his thumb and his pointer finger. He remembers a little belatedly that they're in public and leans in to block Kakashi-san's face from any chance passersby. Kakashi-san's breath is surprisingly hot and breath-like through the mask and Gai can feel it against his lips. Gai realizes belatedly that it would be easy to tug down the mask and kiss Kakashi-san again. He is dizzy with the thought.

"Gai? What are you doing? If you're training outside of the training grounds again, Chouza-sensei is going to be unhappy if someone sees and complains to him— _Kakashi?!_ "

Gai reels back in alarm, Kakashi-san catching him by the hips before he can overbalance and flop over. His mask is still in place because Gai had let go in panic the moment he'd heard someone say his name. Not just anyone. Someone very familiar. "Genma!"

His old teammate has his hands over his face, but is peeking through his fingers. "Gai," Genma says. "That's Kakashi. Are you… Are you molesting him?"

Gai blanches. "No!" When he looks down at Kakashi-san in concern, Kakashi-san allays his concerns with a thumbs up. Gai breathes out in relief.

"Okay," Genma says, slowly bringing his hands down to his sides. "Then, uh… Did something happen? Because last I knew, Kakashi could barely stand being rivals with you."

"Oh!" Gai says, pleased. He'd forgotten that Genma hadn't been told about the whole situation. He's suddenly excited again. This is his chance to introduce Kakashi-san to his friends! "This is Kakashi-san! He's from the future!"

"He's _what_?"

Kakashi-san sits up a little, propping himself up on his elbows, and tilts his head at Genma. "Yo."

Genma stares at him for a moment. Then he shrugs helplessly. "Yeah, okay. I believe it." He turns back to Gai. "So, uh, where's the other Kakashi? Our Kakashi, I mean? Um. The one I grew up with, I mean. Uh. The one still the same age as us."

Gai frowns, because that's one of the unresolved issues of his day. "I'm not sure." It also reminds him that he's still looking for someone else. "By the way, I'm also looking for Itachi Uchiha. He should be in the village somewhere, but I haven't found him yet. If you see him, please let him know I have been searching for him!"

Genma stares at him. "Itachi?"

"Uchiha," Gai adds helpfully.

Genma stares some more. "Kurenai," he calls hopefully. "Very funny. Haha. Please make it stop." After a moment, he brings his hands together to form a familiar set of seals and flares his chakra the way one does to break a genjutsu.

Gai can't help smiling. From an outside perspective, he can imagine that this does actually seem like one of Kurenai's jokes, which are always very clever and very funny. Once she'd made it so Gai kept seeing one of Kakashi's ninken out of the corner of his eye. He'd spent a good hour frantically twisting his head left and right before he'd realized what had happened and broke the genjutsu.

The flaw with this logic is obvious, though. "Kurenai hasn't returned from her mission to the capital yet, Genma!"

Genma drops his head into his hands again. "This cannot end well," he mutters to himself. "I can't believe how many ways this is extremely not what I thought it was." Genma raises his head a little to squint at Gai. "So you're looking for Itachi Uchiha. And…you thought you'd find him behind Kakashi's, uh, future Kakashi's mask?" He sounds strangely hopeful, even though he must know what he is saying is ridiculous.

"Of course not," Gai says, puzzled. Kakashi-san uses his split concentration to pull Gai further into his lap by tugging insistently at Gai's thighs until he is absentmindedly shuffling forward, Kakashi-san's knees coming up behind Gai to help trap him in place. "Why would he be—"

Gai's ability to speak dies a sudden and startled death when Kakashi-san leans in to nuzzle at a sensitive spot below his ear, the thin material of the mask a queer but titillating sensation.

"This Itachi thing isn't a euphemism for something, right?" Genma says, his tone carefully neutral and his gaze now directed at the sky. "I feel obligated to point out again that the village ordinances have specific rules about there being a time and place for everything, especially when it is of a, ahem, more intimate nature—"

"It's not a euphemism!" Gai yelps, trying and failing to push a grinning Kakashi-san away. "I'm really looking for Itachi!" Kakashi-san is chuckling again, but Gai will not let it distract him! He is now wise to Kakashi-san's nefarious ways!

"Of course you are," Genma says with a deep sigh. "Right. If I see your Uchiha missing nin, who I am assuming is no longer a missing nin, I will send him your way. For now, can you at least take this," he waves at Gai and Kakashi-san, "somewhere private?"

Face burning, Gai nods and tries to stand up. Kakashi-san doesn't let him at first, but when Gai insists, he sighs and rocks forward onto his heels with Gai cradled in his arms, somehow swings Gai's legs to the side so that he's carrying Gai princess-style again. "Kakashi-san!" Gai squawks. It is somehow more embarrassing now than it was before. Genma is still staring at the sky. It is only a small relief. Gai is pretty sure his entire face is steaming red.

"Maa," Kakashi-san says, "I thought I might do a little more running today and combine it with some weight training. Didn't you say you were looking for Itachi? Now you can concentrate on that."

"I can run myself!" Gai protests. He is uncomfortably aware that Genma is looking at them again.

"You can," Kakashi-san agrees, "but this is good training for me. I can focus on that, and you can focus on finding Itachi." He looks very earnestly down at Gai. "I want to help you. Don't you want to help me?"

Gai is aware he is being manipulated, but can't think of a good counter right away because his involuntary first reaction to Kakashi-san saying out loud that he wants Gai's help is excitement. Kakashi apparently gets trickier with age. "I, well, yes, but—"

"Then it's settled!" Kakashi-san says cheerfully, and nods crisply at Genma in farewell.

"Bye, I guess," Genma says, face pinched as he looks at Gai.

"I—" Gai starts to protest again, but Kakashi-san takes off with such speed that it steals Gai's breath away. Gai gives up, grumbling under his breath, secretly thankful.

Gai is out of luck today. He doesn't find Itachi, even after Kakashi-san runs through every street twice. At least they stop getting strange looks during the second round, and Gai manages to convince Kakashi-san to let him down so he can do his grocery shopping with _some_ dignity.

The cheap eggs have been sold out by the time they give up on the search for the time being and there's only one sad eggplant left. The potatoes and carrots have gone up in price because there's been some trouble near the farmlands that grow them, but Gai buys still buys extras of those to make up for the eggplant. He's a jounin, he can afford it.

When he's finished paying, Kakashi-san is slouched outside the produce market with his hands shoved in his pockets. "So, Itachi," he prompts.

Gai looks down at the potatoes. "I offered him a place to stay for a while," he admits, "if he wanted it."

A sound Gai has never heard any Kakashi make before crackles through the air, short and raucous. It takes Gai a moment to realize that it is startled laughter.

"I figured it was something like that," Kakashi-san says, his eye curving pleasantly at Gai. "I can't say I expected it, but maybe I should have." The undisguised warmth in his voice makes Gai feel unexpectedly shy.

"I thought you'd disapprove," Gai says, sheepish and embarrassed.

Kakashi-san pauses. "Let's try looking for him again after we eat," he says finally, nodding at the bag of produce in Gai's arms. "I think I remember being promised something… Hm, what was it? Your 'Ultra Deluxe Special Stamina Curry'?"

"Oh!" Gai exclaims, pleased that Kakashi-san remembers. "I'll make it right away!" He falters for a moment, because he doesn't feel right using Kakashi's kitchen. In fact, he'd shopped with the assumption that he'd be using his own kitchen, and if he's not using it then he doesn't know if he'll have the right spices—

"Your place?" Kakashi-san asks casually. "It's been a while since I've been there."

Heart in his throat, Gai just nods wordlessly.

It is strange to have Kakashi-san in his house. It is not Kakashi-san's fault exactly, although it is, of course, also entirely his fault in a way. Both for being Kakashi and also for being not quite Kakashi.

Kakashi hasn't been here for years, so it is a shock to see the silver hair out of the corner of his eye as Gai leads them down the path to his front door; and Kakashi-san is so much taller than Kakashi used to be, so his hair brushes the top of the doorway and it takes a lot of Gai's self-restraint to keep from staring at the way Kakashi-san fills the entrance of his house.

After Sakumo was gone, Kakashi never really managed to look Papa in the eye; but Kakashi-san toes off his shoes and pads over to the little memorial Gai has made in the corner of the living room, lights a piece of incense, and begins a wry, one-sided conversation with Papa's picture about time travel.

And the last time Kakashi was in this house, he stayed distant and quiet in the guest room, leaving and entering via the window for training or missions only, food disappearing mysteriously throughout the day and night as he needed it; now Kakashi-san continues his surprising helpfulness from the morning and helps Gai peel and chop the vegetables, turns it into a potato-chopping competition that Gai wins. He even takes care of making the rice as Gai works on the curry. He helps dry the dishes after they're done eating. He makes a statement that is almost nearly a compliment about the food.

Gai even finds a couple coins in a pocket of his jounin vest that doesn't cover the cost of the ingredients, but he's almost certain weren't there before. He stares at them for so long trying to remember if he might have absentmindedly slipped them in at some point that Kakashi-san steals them right out of his hand. Gai finds the same coins in his pocket again less than five minutes later, but doubled. He has to resist the urge to boggle at them again, quickly putting them back before they end up quadrupled. Kakashi _never_ pays for food.

All this has Gai feeling very strange. He makes some excuses, retreats to his own room to sit on the edge of his bed and listen to himself breathe. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes to stave off the headache building behind his eyes.

What is he _doing_? He wants to talk to Papa, but Kakashi-san is right there and he wants to talk to Papa about Kakashi-san and about Kakashi. Papa never speaks back, of course; if he ever did Gai would have to move because ghosts are terrifying, even if they're Papa. It just helps to talk to him, because it helps Gai clarify his thoughts and feelings, reorient his mind and spirit. Papa never judges. He never did. He has only ever wanted what Gai wants.

Gai rubs his face briefly, then releases a gusty breath.

If Papa were here, he'd probably know exactly what to do to help Gai figure out how he should be feeling or what he should be doing.

Then again, maybe Papa would disapprove of the way he's letting Kakashi-san cling to him just because Gai is being selfish. Gai learned to love Kakashi for all he is, even as prickly and cold as he can be; he can hardly help loving Kakashi-san, who so eagerly wants to love Gai back. Gai never imagined that the love he'd accidentally cultivated would ever bloom into anything more than friendship. In fact, even friendship sometimes seems like it might be forever out of reach what with Kakashi being a genius even at creating and maintaining his emotional defenses.

Gai doesn't feel guilty or regretful about what he's done. He only feels sorry for holding onto it as long as he can even though he isn't the one who earned it, even though he knows that Kakashi-san will have to leave eventually to try to find his Gai-san.

Gai hopes that Gai-san isn't too upset with either of them for taking the opportunity to love each other while they can. Even as he thinks it, the Gai-san of his imagination gives him a thumbs up. _Nothing is more beautiful than succumbing to the passion of youth and fervent admiration!_

Yosh! He is done being a coward! He cannot use his Papa as a crutch, not when there is so much life for him to live on his own terms! He already knew that Kakashi and Kakashi-san are the same but different. It doesn't matter! Kakashi is his Eternal Rival, his man of destiny! If Kakashi-san is further down the path than he is, then he just has to catch up, like he always has! There's no reason to miss him when a reunion is just a matter of time!

"Kakashi-san!" Gai shouts, bursting back into the living room. Kakashi-san has evidently found the fruit bowl, because he is holding both Icha Icha and a half-eaten banana. "I challenge you to a spar! If I lose, I will do five hundred one-armed push-ups!"

Kakashi-san drops the banana in surprise, nearly drops his book, and then accidentally smashes the banana into its pages when he overcorrects in an attempt to save both. Gai is immensely satisfied with himself. He rarely surprises Kakashi enough to make him clumsy.

Kakashi-san eye-smiles at him. "A spar, huh? I guess I could do that. What do I get if I win?"

"You won't!" Gai says confidently, and marches out of the house.

Gai loses, of course. While he is doing his one-armed push-ups, Kakashi-san squats next to him and gives him an excruciating and detailed post-spar breakdown of everything he had done wrong. Gai is more certain than ever that Kakashi-san was a jounin-sensei. He also feels sorry for those poor unsuspecting genin.

"Thank you for your support!" Gai shouts when it is clear that Kakashi-san is done with his spiel. _Two hundred thirty-four, two hundred thirty-five…_

"Sure," Kakashi-san says easily, and then: "So what do I get now that I've won?"

 _Two hundred thirty-six, two hundred thirty-seven…_ "Huh?" Gai says blankly. Win? Challenges aren't about winning or losing for Kakashi, as far as he can tell. Mostly they seem to be about getting Gai off his back.

Kakashi-san, being contrary, gets Gai on his back instead. Gai is still midway through two hundred thirty-eight when the ground filling his vision abruptly becomes the sky, so he socks Kakashi-san solidly on the chest by accident when Kakashi-san leans over him.

"Ow," Kakashi-san says mildly, and grabs Gai by the wrists and pulls his arms over his head.

"Hey!" Gai says, squirming. "I mean, sorry? No, wait, Kakashi-san, stop that! I've only done two hundred and thirty seven push-ups on one arm and I want to make at least five hundred on both before dinner!"

"You've got plenty of time," Kakashi-san says, and pulls his mask down to smile at him. Gai stops struggling, but picks it up again when he realizes what Kakashi-san is doing. Kakashi is always so unfair! Exploiting a weakness like that!

"But I have to go to the market again," Gai protests.

"I'll treat you to ramen," Kakashi-san promises.

Ramen isn't Gai's favorite, but the offer still gives Gai shocked pause. Kakashi openly paying for a meal? Paying for someone else's meal? The coins in his vest pocket feel inexplicably weightier and more meaningful than they had before.

Kakashi-san takes advantage of his distraction, letting go of Gai's wrists to pin Gai's hips down to the ground as he dips his head down for a bruising, biting kiss. Gai doesn't know what to do with his hands, but it's weird to have them up over his head for no reason. He ends up wrapping them around Kakashi-san's neck and shoulders as best he can, holding on as if it will help ground him. He whimpers when Kakashi-san presses a thigh between his legs. Kakashi-san is very good with that thigh.

Then, suddenly it is gone. Kakashi — his Kakashi! — sails over Gai's head, chakra crackling with the Chidori, and then suddenly Genma is filling Gai's vision, glancing nervously behind him. "Genma?" Gai asks, bewildered. "What are you—"

"What the fuck?" Genma bursts out, glancing between whatever is behind him and Gai's face.

Gai pushes Genma out of his line of sight just in time to see Kakashi collapse. Someone shouts his name very loudly. Gai only realizes it was himself when Genma flinches away from him.

Kakashi-san cautiously moves to Kakashi's side, kneeling down to check his pulse.

"Chakra exhaustion," Kakashi-san says. He tuts. "What a crazy kid. Can you believe he really tried to kill me? Talk about self-destructive."

What?

An ANBU sits up to the side of both Kakashi and Kakashi-san and says, with great disdain and alarm, "Was that a _joke_?"

"Tenzou," Kakashi-san says, delighted. "It's good to see you. You look great. Well, I assume so, at least. Hard to tell with the mask." 'Tenzou' huffs in a most un-ANBU-like way.

Chidori. Gai has known Kakashi long enough and seen it in action enough times to know that is a killing technique. Did Kakashi really try to use it on Kakashi-san?

"Gai," Genma says, his exasperated voice breaking through Gai's whirling thoughts. "Of course you couldn't just pine like normal people."

Gai frowns. "Why would I pine?"

"Ugh," Genma says. "Never mind." He sits back on his heels, looks up at — Itachi? "Chakra exhaustion, huh? No wonder he looks worse than usual. Better get him to the hospital."

"Itachi," Gai says numbly, "I've been looking for you, but—" He can't stop staring at Kakashi, limp with unconsciousness as Kakashi-san pulls him over a shoulder.

Genma shakes him until he has to look his old teammate in the face. "Hey, I've got this. I'll help Itachi settle in. Guest bedroom, right? Everything in the same place?" Gai nods mutely, and Genma lets him go. "Go on, then."

Gai is standing. He is running, following Kakashi-san through the village. Kakashi's hair and arms and upper body sway with odd gentleness left and right over Kakashi-san's back. He somehow does not stumble once, even when Kakashi-san skips the front door and opens a familiar window on third floor of the building instead.

The medic screams in surprise when all three of them fall in.

"Nohara-sensei," Gai says. Kakashi-san flinches in the corner of his eye, but Gai has no idea why. "Nohara-sensei, please. You have to help him."

Nohara-sensei squints at Kakashi-san. "It's not you? You're standing upright for once."

Kakashi-san barks out a terrible bitter laugh, and carefully lays Kakashi down on the cot in the office.

Nohara-sensei runs to Kakashi's side, hands glowing with chakra. "Gods," he mutters, "this explains so much, and yet leaves me with so many more questions."

Gai sits shakily in the chair in the corner, clutching his own hands, his elbows on his knees. How many times has he been here? Either because he was looking for Kakashi when he'd disappeared again, finding him recuperating on that cheap cot that had appeared after Kakashi had come straight here too many times, or because he had brought Kakashi here himself knowing that Nohara-sensei was the only medic willing to drop everything to help him.

It has been getting worse and more frequent since Kakashi joined ANBU, like Kakashi is trying to lose himself to the shadows permanently and only wants to see how many of Konoha's enemies he can take with him.

Kakashi-san is a dream made real: he is proof that Kakashi lives through this, that he survives the darkness and finds the light. Gai presses his forehead hard against his fists, trying not to stare too hard at Kakashi-san. It is too confusing to be in a space he associates so strongly with despair and fear for Kakashi's life while Kakashi-san stands as a living beacon of hope right next to him.

Kakashi is much better than him at enduring such unbearable contradictions of life and death. Gai's had more practice at being a champion of the hopeless and the unwilling, the ones that want to be lost. He can believe in people like Kakashi and Asuma because he loves them, but also because he knows he is lucky to have so much. Believing in them costs him something, but he has enough love in his life to spare. He knows that makes him incredibly lucky. He knows that Kakashi has lost so much that believing hurts, but Gai doesn't know how to love without hope and he doesn't know how to stop loving anyone yet. He doesn't want to ever learn.

"He'll be fine except for the incurable idiocy," Nohara-sensei grumbles before stomping out of his office. "I need some more supplies. I told him—" His voice is cut off when Kakashi-san follows him out and shuts the door after him.

Gai is much less surprised than he probably ought to be when Kakashi opens his non-Sharingan eye the moment the door clicks shut.

Kakashi blinks up at the ceiling a couple times before his eye slides to the side to look at Gai. "You," he says.

Gai is still too shaken to summon up his usual vigor. "Kakashi," he croaks, but he can't get anymore out. Gai has always suspected that Kakashi had a death wish, but actually witnessing it for himself is more terrible than he could have imagined.

Kakashi looks back up at the ceiling, reflexively avoiding Gai's gaze in expectation of the usual haranguing about making reckless choices that put his life in danger. When Gai just sits and stares at him quietly, unable to speak, Kakashi shifts minutely, probably checking his own mobility, and then lets out a deep sigh.

"He's using you," Kakashi says. "He's—I'm—" He stutters to a stop, and then they both just sit in silence for a moment while Kakashi collects his thoughts. Finally, Kakashi haltingly explains: "I have never been able to admit how much anyone really mattered to me until they were gone. If I… If he loves you, then he does because it's too late for him to love…his Gai."

"Oh," Gai says, because the honesty clearly hurts Kakashi to say. Gai casts about for an appropriate response. "I…see."

The silence that greets his words is damning.

Kakashi begins to make strange huffing noises, jerking sporadically. Before Gai has completely processed it, he's at Kakashi's side, hands hovering without touching. "What is it? How can I help?" he asks Kakashi urgently, but Kakashi squeezes his eyes shut when Gai fills his vision.

"You knew," Kakashi gasps. A glimmer of something is at his temples and Gai is shocked to realize that they are tears. Kakashi is crying. "You _knew._ You stupid—pathetic—fool!

"I am sorry, Rival," Gai says earnestly. He really is. He had no idea this would cause his Rival so much grief. "I know you do not like to be known so intimately, but we have known each other too long. I figured it out when—"

Kakashi doesn't open his eyes, but the muscles of his neck strain like he is trying to get them to turn his face away from Gai even as he interrupts him. "You don't know anything! What? You think he really means it when he loves you?" Kakashi's face twists, his eyes still clenched shut. "How could he? You know what I do, Gai. Only heartless garbage lower than scum could murder the defenseless in cold blood. I don't love you. I never will. I can't."

"I don't believe that," Gai says firmly. "I won't."

"It doesn't matter what you believe," Kakashi sneers, finally opening both eyes to look at Gai. His Sharingan eye swirls red and black menace. "It's true. Maybe he even killed you himself. How could the Splendid Green Beast fall if it wasn't treachery? Who else could overcome the greatest taijutsu master Konoha has ever seen? Now he's here, taking advantage of your _nubile naivete_ to further his sick depravity, maybe the future Gai never even wanted him—"

"No!" Gai shouts in denial, horrified by the idea. Of course Kakashi would only acknowledge his strength in such a way that Gai could never agree with. "You would never! He—"

"And why would he?" Kakashi continues, implacable, his lip curling. "Your precious Kakashi- _san_ let him die after all. Whatever really happened, he might as well have done it himself. Put you out of your misery."

Gai stumbles back away from Kakashi, sits heavily back in the chair in the corner again. His hands are shaking. His breath is harsh in his ears.

This is Kakashi's real mask, the icy coldness. Their world hurts Kakashi every day, and sometimes Kakashi tries to hurt it back by lashing out at the easiest targets. He doesn't know if Kakashi is angry at Gai for dying, at Kakashi-san for 'letting' him, or at himself for grieving something that is inevitable. It doesn't matter. It's wrong for him to speak to Gai like this.

When Gai manages to speak again, his voice is nearly as cold as Kakashi's despite its slight tremor. Kakashi flinches at it. "I know it took me a little while to catch up with you, Rival, but I am a ninja, same as you, and I can open all eight gates. I strive to live my life to the fullest of my ability because I know a day will come when I will choose to give it up in order to protect my village. You would do the same. When I die, I will die without regrets."

Kakashi doesn't respond immediately. The air of the room seems to tremble with the tension of it, as if it somehow perceives that Kakashi is about to say something unforgivable.

Voice soft despite its cruelty, Kakashi asks, "Why did Dai give up his life to save yours if you're just going to throw it away?"

Kakashi has always been unfair.

Gai stands.

"Gai," Kakashi says.

"Don't," Gai says. His vision is blurred. "I think you've said enough."

Kakashi seems to agree, because he lets Gai walk out the door without saying a word.


End file.
